Living in the Storm

I know for certain in life, that no matter how horrific your day seems; you were late for school, the electric bill isn’t going to be paid, you wrecked your shiny new car, you had to stand in check-out line longer than you like, your teenager needs braces you can’t afford, old man winter just buried you in 8 feet of snow (shout out to my family and friends in Buffalo), your airplane ride home was delayed, you got in a skirmish with a loved one or you are having the day from hell at work; not being healthy TRUMPS it all.  You can buy lavish expeditions, luxury cars, mind-blowing household amenities, designer wardrobes and a first class education but when you don’t find yourself in decent health NOTHING else matters. All the greenbacks and schooling in the world can’t help you.  Sickness is the great equalizer.  It brings the WHOLE SHEBANG into perspective.  I know a touch about this because I have exhausted a hefty amount of my adulthood tussling with an autoimmune bowel disease known as Ulcerative Colitis.  If you aren’t aware of what it is, please Google it, the more attention I can bring to the Crohn’s Colitis foundation, the closer we will get to a cure. 

My UC devours a significant part of my life;
turning me into an 8o year old woman talking about my bowels daily to whomever will listen. UC is an invisible illness.  One hour you’re perfectly fine and the next you could be the most intense pain imaginable. For me 80% of the time, things are going groovy and I live as a perfectly conventional functioning adult but look out for that other 20%.  If I didn’t tell anyone I have UC, they would NEVER know.  That is because when that 20% comes around; I bottle all the pain up and crawl into a ball at home.  My daughter and husband know this all too well and seem to be the ones that take the brunt of the negative mood swings and down in the dumps days (see what I did there) because I don’t want to be seen by the outside world, in that light.  I don’t aim to complain, but now and again I wish my cross to bear was a disease I could chitchat about at the dinner table with friends and not feel self-conscious about.  I can’t help but consider it being easier to have one of my limbs cut off or a third eye in the middle of my forehead because then I could easily explain what is wrong with me to others.  On the outside I look fine, but my scars and battle are materializing on the inside behind closed doors. I have had ups and downs, good days and bad but I have always considered myself one of the LUCKY ones keeping my UC in control more times than not but I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This past year has been an astounding year for my UC, no flares during the dreaded spring allergy season, and a year of existing like a typical individual, only consuming one daily medication.  A few months back I even declared, since my UC remission was thriving and my gluttonous eating had packed some bulk on, that I indeed had time to center my attention on getting my life back on a healthier track.  I kicked my 2 liters of Mountain Dew a day addiction (don’t judge me – I don’t drink coffee and I NEED the caffeine to get my ass moving).  I began guzzling 100oz of water a day and altered EVERYTHING about how I was eating, appreciating vegetables and fruits once more.  I even began doing a bit of YOGA.  In a 2 month time period, I dropped 20 pounds and I can say I’ve NEVER felt so good.  It was remarkable to remember what feeling well feels like.  All of my soreness, discomfort, aches, cravings and bloat stripped away!  This was a point of paramount significance for me, I mentally was in it for the long haul and I was enjoying the whole kit and caboodle.  My UC was no longer a primary focus for me; it was moved to the background and I fancied it there.  Things were going fantastic up until, I got this minor head cold, it was nothing ghastly just your standard run of the mill cold.  Given that I was blessed with Ulcerative Colitis I have ascertained this, MY IMMUNE SYSTEM SUCKS!   I settled on being pro-active and instead of enjoying the weekend with my family, I took it easy in bed for the entire time and kicked my cold swiftly, hoping to have caused very little stress on my body.  Regrettably it was this little hiccup that made the other shoe drop.

My UC indications started appearing and the rollercoaster that is my life started to click and clack up the hill.  I was ready to brace myself for that first drop, having no idea how long this ride would be.  All I could do was ask myself, “Why Now?”   Inopportunely this hit me hard right before my Jamaican getaway with my husband.  Why does it feel like every time I am doing great, and finally start to get my shit together (I couldn’t help that one), this illness decides to knock me down?  I really wanted to lose my shit (couldn’t help myself there)!

I read a quote by Haruki Murakami that said, “When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in.  That’s what the storm is all about.”  If ever there was an instant I feel like a shit storm is upon me (pun intended), it’s right now.  In the last month, I have amassed my own private pharmacy of prescriptions having had the luxury of trying them all out and enjoying all their side effects, depleted our health savings account, I have drove my doctor’s office crazy with requests (soon they will be fitting me for a straight jacket and plunking me in a padded room).  Even the individuals at the lab know me by name when I drop off my stool samples and I have sobbed in my husband’s arms more times that I can count.  It’s been one HELLAVA storm.  Fortunately in the middle of its wrath, I took some time out to enjoy the eye of this storm.  Despite how I was feeling, I didn’t let my illness alter my plans and I spent five days in a Jamaican paradise with the love of my life.  Yes, I was on steroids that didn’t seem to be working.  Sure, I journeyed on airplanes with extreme cramps during excessive turbulence with no way to get up and go the bathroom because the damn captain wouldn’t allow anyone to move about the cabin.   Of course, I was woke up several times in the middle of the night with severe pain and a number of jaunts to the toilet having watery diarrhea with major quantities of blood.  Let’s just say, I know where every bathroom is located on the grounds of the Secrets Resort in Montego Bay, if you need help pinpointing one, I’ll draw you a map. 

Through it all, I must say I did the best that I could under the circumstances and it still was one of the most enjoyable times of my life.  It’s all how you look at things, will the glass be half full or half empty today?  The all-inclusive resort was so gorgeous and relaxing; at times I had to pinch myself to see if it was real!  Turquoise water, white sandy beaches, Pina coladas (virgins of course), gourmet meals that someone else cooked for me, the weather was a tropical 80 degrees first thing in the morning and my solitary decision for the day was where to plunk my ass; by the ocean or the pool.  We had nothing to do and all day to do it.   I know this is what my heaven will look like!  Nothing could take away my pain during our getaway but I didn’t let my pain takeaway my happiness. 

 

While loafing on the beach alongside my husband, basking in the sun, gawking out into the crystal clear aqua water, Pina colada in hand, I couldn’t help but think I am the luckiest person on earth!

I’m still in the middle of bad flare, in pain, scared each and every day and trying like hell to battle this storm.  The UC winds might have knocked me down when things were going harmoniously but I am more DETERMINED than ever to get back up, pull on my shit kickers (it’s just so easy) and begin rebuilding!  This storm has revealed to me that I can dig deep and I have to focus on the good, no matter how hard it is.  I will emerge from this storm stronger than I entered.  If I can get through this, all my other problems will pale in comparison, because I will have my health.  I am more determined than ever to get back on my healthful journey and I will ONLY allow this to be a speed bump along the way. 

I am not writing this so that you feel sorry for me but to raise awareness to an awful disease that will forever be part of my life.  With awareness there is hope for a cure for the 1.6 million Americans that are battling Irritable Bowel Disease (http://www.ccfa.org/).  Recognize that many people live with invisible illnesses like mine every day; unless you are battling their storm, you will never truly understand what they are faced with.  Don’t judge them, just because they don’t look sick; I promise you, it’s real.  We all need to put our difficulties into perspective.  If you are battling your own storm, it can make you bitter or better, it can break you or make you, but you can choose to be the victor not the victim.  Learn from each storm that comes your way, grow and be better on the other side.  Don’t forget to take some time in the eye of the storm to enjoy life and not let your battle take your happiness away.  

If you have your health you have EVERYTHING, so don’t sweat the small stuff.

"Creativity is intelligence having fun." - Albert Einstein

 

 In our house, we have allowed our daughter to pick out her Halloween costume ever since she could talk. Little did I know it would turn into years of me racking my brain, pulling out my hair and testing my limits, to pull them off.  Generally kids would say, “I want to be a ghost or a pirate or a princess for Halloween.”  Not my daughter she has always existed outside of the box, with her thinking, and that is why I LOVE HER.  For some reason, she has come up with ideas for things, you would on no occasion, think to make into a costume, but WE DID!  A decade of costumes and my offspring has kept me on my toes for every single one of them.

With my costume making proficiencies you would at no time guess that I’m not an admirer of Halloween.  I loathe scary movies, nighttime hayrides and haunted houses. I detest being terrified; I despise seeing adolescents with hatches coming out of their heads and blood dripping down their faces.  I don’t get enthusiastic about commercial holidays and I’m not sure why grown-ups now gussy up all on their own for parties.  Where we live, children have to bundle up and brave the freezing cold just to get candy.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just buy a bag of your preferred candy, so as to; skip the wind, rain and sometimes snow blowing you from house to house? To say I don’t get it and don’t like it is an understatement.  It is however a rite of passage for tots and so I continue with tradition for my daughter.  I have always been of the mindset, if you are going to do something, DO IT RIGHT (no half assed in my world)!

 

One of the coolest things about being a new parent is that idea that you get to do all those “kid” happenings that you have been too old for and forgotten all about.  So you can imagine the first two years we had our daughter, it was thrilling to think that at Halloween, we could pick out an adorable costume and go out to flaunt her around.  For the earliest two years of trick or treating, we garbed our daughter in two exceedingly lovable, warm, fluffy and huggable costumes.  At four months old, she was a Lion, her chubby legs and plump baby fat face filled out the costume from tip to toe and made everyone roll in the aisles, when they saw her.  To date I think she was the cutest Lion, I’ve ever laid eyes on, but maybe I’m biased.  The following year, at age one, she was on the move, dressed all sweet and cuddly as a chicken.  Since she didn’t eat sweets yet, we accompanied her on visits to see family and friends and completed some trick or treating for UNICEF.  These were the lone two costumes I was allowed to pick out for my daughter, EVER!   

 

As soon as my daughter could communicate, she decided all on her own, she was making her own choices straight away.  So, I unhesitatingly asked her what she wanted to be for Halloween?  Thinking back perchance I might have been zany for bequeathing her so much power or maybe I believed it would go much different.  All I know, is from that instance onward, I would be challenged year in and year out.  Much to my disbelief at age two, she replied to my query, “spaghetti and meatballs.”  Perhaps it was because it was one of her favorite foods, I’m still not sure why she chose it?  A good number of parents would have giggled and said, “No really let’s go to the Halloween store and pick out a nice princess costume”, but not me. I’m a glutton for punishment and I crafted the costume.  At age two, she spent her initial REAL trick or treating experience as spaghetti and meatballs.  She won first place in her age group at a local costume contest. 

 

The succeeding year, we had a similar conversation; she told me that she would like to disguise herself as grapes for Halloween.  Grapes, REALLY, who wants to be grapes?  Much to my surprise, I was able to stumble on a few other eccentric people on the internet that had blazed that trail before me (keep in mind this is before Pinterest) and I set out to create a bunch of grapes. We fashioned the best bunch of grapes we could and she once more won first place, in her age group.   

 

When our fifth year of Halloween rolled around, I asked my daughter if we could possibly stay away from food for a costume and she concurred, until one day when we were grocery shopping together.  She articulated to me that she would like to be a bag of groceries!   Creative little bugger but I think she missed the point of not being food.  Constructing her into a bag of groceries was more of a challenge than I had initially thought it would be but by hook or by crook, we created a masterpiece.  Our stroke of genius was complete with a REAL head of cabbage, on top of her head! (I wouldn’t recommend this as it starts to smell.)  I will say it’s the first and only costume; I’ve had to keep refrigerated. 

 

 

 

 

 

By now, she really grasped the idea of picking a good costume, making this the year I remember her being eager to pick her next transformation.  She regularly had friends, neighbors and family asking her what she was going to be for Halloween, sometime around the end of summer.  No pressure there!  Much to their amazement, she didn’t conceive very far ahead on her costume ideas.  She would just pull them from her brain haphazardly, when I asked her at the start of October.  This was her first year in Kindergarten, and I figured she had been chitchatting with her chums at school and was going to come home this year and notify me she fancied dressing up as a cute kitty, puppy or pumpkin.  No such luck! 

 

 

She enlightened me to the fact that she wanted to be Chinese food (since of course this was her favorite food at the time).  I was beginning to deliberate that my daughter might have a problem with food or she was learning to screw with me at a dreadfully young age.  Come to find out, it is more the latter.  The Chinese Takeout costume we generated may well be my all-time favorite and possibly my daughters too, she talks about it to this day. 

 

With a little more school under her belt, I figured she would get a little bit easier on me, in the costume choosing department and I was over the moon excited when she said to me in first grade, I want to be Cinderella!  I stood in front of her and breathed a huge sigh of relief.  I figured it had something to do with our trip to Disney World or other kids at school schmoozing on about wanting to be princesses.  My girl was finally going to be a NORMAL kid at Halloween, one that didn’t need helpers to get her to the door to ring the bell, the one that the other kids didn’t stare at and wonder what she was.  Thank the gods above, we could go to the store and pick out the prettiest Cinderella costume you’ve ever seen.  Just as the air was filling my lungs back up, she said, the words, “In a Snow globe.”   After a long pause, I replied, “Come again?”  She grabbed up one of her Disney snow globes and answered, “Like this.”   Seriously, how can this be? Time to get creative ONCE AGAIN! 

 

 I pulled it off and it worked out well but this costume turned out to be rather large and not very convenient for trick or treating.  She coped and made it through the holiday because she discovered that she could every once in a while, take off the globe and walk around just as Cinderella.  I can’t tell you how many times I burnt the fingerprints off of my hands using the hot glue gun for that one!  I guess it was worth it because she was the costume she wanted to be and she received numerous compliments.

 

 

 

By second grade her tastes began to change, she wasn’t drawn to being food anymore, the princess fascination was going away and she learned that it wasn’t fun to carry around a colossal costume when ringing doorbells.  She had decided this year she was going to keep her costume simple (her words, not mine), which I concurred with.  That was the year the allure with space began and so she declared she planned to be the Solar System for Halloween.  That’s what I get for reading books way above her head for years, teaching her to dream big and telling her anything is possible.  Seriously, the ENTIRE freakin’ solar system, how is that simple?

 

 

 

 

 

For this costume she was able to help out, she lent a hand with painting planets and attached the stars and astroid belt onto her clothes.  Again, we made it happen and we did a Big Bang up job, if you ask me.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Third grade presented a challenge and was the only year we improvised.  She came to me telling me she wanted to be a head on a platter, which after a few days morphed into Marie Antoinette carrying her own head (that’s what I get for letting her read a book on Marie Antoinette!).  At this point why would I expect anything less? Thank god Halloween is only once a year.  We hit up thrift stores, gathered supplies and worked exceedingly hard on pulling this off but in the end, we ran out of time. 

I did what any mother would do; I grabbed a sheet, threw it over her head and cut some holes.  It was almost ironic, the girl who came up with all those crazy creative costumes, dressed as the most basic costume ever, a ghost. 

 

She of course in her own fashion, gave her ghost a little bit of a twist and made him Italian (her idea, as she was riveted with all things Italy that year).  She added a mustache and a Fedora and Giovanni the ghost was brought to life.  It wasn’t our best work but she had just as much fun!

After being a ghost the prior year, I figured she would recognize that simple is sometimes best!  She must not have received that memo and her NOT off the rack thinking continued into this year.  What would she come up with this year?  Of course, why didn’t I think of that, a half man, half woman?  After ten years of Halloweens with this child, the element of surprise is lost on me!   Where does she come up with this stuff?  I think she is an old sole, trapped in a nine year olds body.  She sure does come up with ideas that get my creative juices flowing.  Of course I obliged as I always have.  Since she is getting so much more grown-up, we made a fun-filled day of this and spent the day together gathering supplies at thrift stores to complete this transformation. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To my daughter’s credit, I would say not only has she come up with some superior ideas, she is now able to see her vision come to life and is wonderful at picking things out to bring things full circle.  I’m not sure this year’s costume would have been as smashing, if I did it on my own.  She has the ability to see the whole picture now and she is able to see her vision from start to finish.  Boy does she make me proud.

Albert Einstein once said, “Creativity is intelligence having fun.”  I have had ten blessed years with my daughter creating her unique Halloween costumes.  The experience has been priceless.  There were tears, cuts and burns and screaming matches but I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.  I was able to use my creativity and turn my daughter’s Halloween costumes ideas into EPIC costumes that she will remember forever.  We took our intelligence and creativity and had so much fun over the years.  It is my hope that by making these bespoke Halloween costumes I have taught her how to create whatever it is that she wants.  If she yearns for something in life that is not on the rack, to go out and make it happen herself!  

Instead of thinking that there is a certain way to do things, open up your mind, think outside of the box, use your intelligence and create your fun.  Even if you don’t like something, I am proof that if you put your whole heart into it you can create something special and fun.  Get out there and show the world your intelligence through your creativity, the possibilities are endless.  The memories and fun you will create along the way will be worth it.   Parents let your kids use their brains, even if it is in an unconventional way, who knows what they will come up with?  I know that someday soon, instead of dreading the Halloween season, like in the past, I will miss the time my daughter and I spent together, using her cleverness to create those amusing costumes!  Time goes by so fast; let kids be whomever or whatever they want to be, not only on Halloween but every day of their lives. 

“Your feet will take you where your heart is.” - Irish Proverb

 

Recently I have been struggling with what to write about, writers block if you will, or maybe it’s just because I don’t feel there have been any earthshattering occurrences to write about, no new happenings in my life.  I legitimately hit a lull.  In spite of this, when I went for a bike ride this morning, the words just started coming back to me.  As soon as I hit my bike path by the lake, my brain was being assaulted, a cluttering in my head of all different notions that I needed to get down on paper. I’m not sure if it was because the blood was at long last gushing to my brain once again, or if it was just the ambiance, the beauty of fall.  Whatever it was, I found myself overcome by positivity and the need to articulate my thoughts.  Good thing I have a blog for that, the perfect outlet for my emotions and positive experiences, so as soon as I got home I began composing on my keyboard once more.

Who knew that a little old bike ride would change my perspective on the day?  I woke up this morning groggy and ready to pull the covers back over my head, not incredibly enthusiastic about much of what was to come for the day.  I launched into my normal routine, smooched my husband farewell as he left for work, got my daughter ready for school and mentally planned out my day.  Afterward I turned on the boob tube to snag a quick shot of the meteorological conditions coming my way, when I realized the end was near.  Okay, not the REAL end, but from my point of view it’s pretty close.  We have rammed right into that time of year when the temperatures dip lower than my breaking point and there is no end in sight for months. To boot, the weatherman swalked on about how the leaves were already peaking or past their peak, in our little part of the world.  I thought to myself, wait where did it go, how is that possible and why haven’t I really taken time to enjoy my favorite season?  In that split second, I hurdled into my comfy workout attire, strapped my helmet on my dome and reckoned it was now or never.  I knew precisely where I needed to go, my newly found bike path by the lake.   Up until this past summer, this trail was merely an unseen gem to me, which apparently wasn’t that hidden to nearly all locals.  When I happened upon it, I was so quick to tell each and every one about this great place, much to my surprise every last one already was acquainted with the route.  Despite that, when I ride my bike there, it feels like, it’s only yours truly and it’s practically in my backyard.

I came across this pathway one day, all by myself, when I didn’t have any place to be, so I just kept riding. Those who know me, know this is out of my comfort zone, given that keeping fit isn’t at the top of my to do list.  For some reason the day I found this route, I altered from my standard bike ride, I just kept pedaling.  I kept telling myself, just a little further, so I could continue to explore the uncharted territory and see what was next.  It was like being a tourist in my own backyard.  This ride is simply stunning and exceedingly serene.  I made numerous jaunts to my new location since that summer day but I’m not sure any of them were as picturesque or as momentous as today’s trek. 

There is an old Irish Proverb that states, “Your feet will take you where your heart is.”  For me, I’ve always been on cloud nine with the sun on my face and the sand in my toes but since I live in the Central New York that bliss is a long way away.  I’ve been considering for some time that I need to vamoose from this area. When I tell people this, I am reminded by them of how spectacular it is here, in the Finger Lakes.  I guess deep down I know this to be factual but I honestly take where we live for granted because I’ve clearly been here at length and it’s just old hat to me.  My bike outing today is an aide memoire of the loveliness I am surrounded by but in no way actually take the time to see. 

At this point in time I am reminded why we settled here, in the first place. There is nothing quite like a bike ride in the autumn.  The entire experience was an attack of my senses; the sounds of the leaves crunching under my tires, the crisp waft of fall in the air, the sound of the breeze whisking through the brittle foliage, the gentle wind on my face, and the sounds of lapping waves on the shoreline below.  The pigments were stunning, the warm yellows, oranges and reds radiating luminously as the sun peeked up over the horizon.  The sun shining amidst them was a sight, not to be missed. The leaf covered pathway was unquestionably stunning.  I took it all in, never passing a single person.  This is my bike path, maybe not every day but today it is mine. Where else on earth can you take a 10 mile bike ride and not see a sole?  Wait, I take that back.  I did spot two deer minding their own business within feet of me.  I must say that I think they startled me more than I frightened them but they were the ones that scampered off into the remoteness.  I caught sight of a few hawks gliding in the wind hovering over the shoreline and I observed various squirrels busying themselves whilst they get ready for the cold months ahead.  It’s mind-blowing what you observe when you take the time to notice.  During my exploration of my new found terrain, I found the most pleasant place to park myself, to collect my thoughts, be with nature, bring the whole shebang into perspective and simply center myself. 

I know that might have been my final cycle of the season, given that the chilly part of fall is upon us.  With the nights drawing in, making it dark earlier and earlier, there is a chill in the air, bringing to our attention that it is time to add blankets to our beds.  It’s the time of year to snuggle in with our loved ones and be cozy.  Flip flops and swimsuits have been swapped with boots and layers.  As I said before, the end is near (can you tell, I’m not a fan of the cold weather).  It might be time for a shift in season but I already look forward to when the balmy conditions return.  Come spring, you can be sure that this corridor by the lake will be my place to reflect and have serenity.  Goes to show you that if you take a few minutes to realize the magnificence that encompasses you every day, you might be flabbergasted and wonder how you missed it before. 

It is said that you create your own calm. This is my spot, a location I go alone, it will forever be my path by the lake, a whereabouts to get away from it all and center myself, my own calm. Take time to find your place.  That space that inspires you, that gives you clarity, which gives you stillness and is just yours.  Who knows you might even find your spot in your own house, neighborhood or your own backyard?  Find your spot and everything will be right in your world, I promise.  We all need to stop worrying about what we don’t have and give more attention to what we do.  Sure I’d like to be someplace else more times than not.  I can hear that tropical island calling to me right now and as the Irish say my feet will take me where my heart is.   Today my heart is here on this path by the lake, but who knows where it will be tomorrow?  Ask me again in the winter and my heart will most definitely be elsewhere but in the meantime I found this place that is my treasure and today ALL is right with my world.  Today, my feet took me where my heart was, smack dab in the middle of my favorite season FALL, in the heart of the Finger Lakes.  Instead of worrying about what is to come in my future, I was completely present today, and where I live is nothing short of breathtaking.  Maybe Dorothy was right, “There is no place like home.”

 

“Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.” - Coco Channel

Have you ever gone to your closet and said, “I don’t have anything to wear?”  If you are a warm blooded woman, certainly you have.   So many times in life I have looked in my closet (that was heaving full of clothes) and had trouble finding something to wear.  Why do we do this?  Of course we have clothes to wear, but we are attaching our emotions to picking out our daily wardrobe.  We are describing a feeling for that day.  In reality most of us have vast amounts of clothes to wear but we have NO clothes in our closet that make us feel the way we need to for that day!  We have “NOTHING” to wear because our clothing is a direct reflection of who we are and how we feel, or at least that’s what I think.

Something that most people don’t know about me is that I LOVE FASHION.  The reason that most of you don’t know this is because you would NEVER believe this by looking at me.  The truth is I love reading fashion blogs, browsing fashion magazines online and of course perusing high end fashion stores.  I pay attention to fashion week, in all the fashion meccas like Paris, New York and London.   Pinterest is a bit like crack for me, so much visual design stimulation, I must admit, I’m addicted.   Fashion is one of my guilty pleasures, one that I’m not even sure the closest people in my life really know.   For me my little obsession has something to do with the visual aspects of putting pieces together to make a look.    For most of my life comfort has been the key to my fashion.  Comfort is practical and I’m a practical person. Jeans and sneakers have always been staples in my wardrobe, but inside I am a Fashionista just waiting to get out.  I’ve always been envious of people who have the body, and let’s face it, the money to pull of the fashion that makes those best dressed lists.

What was I thinking?

When I was young, my mother tells me, she was allowed to dress me ONLY up until Kindergarten.  When we went school clothes shopping for first grade, I informed her that I was NOW in charge!  Telling her that I allowed her to pick on my clothes in Kindergarten (manly dresses) but that I was old enough to do it on my own and dresses would not be in my closet.  From Kindergarten until my wedding, I can honestly say that I could count on my hands how many dresses I wore.  To my mother’s credit, she ALWAYS let me wear what I wanted and even if it wasn’t what she wanted for me.   Let’s say I was very particular with my style however I NEVER cared what other people were wearing.   I wouldn’t say I was the most fashionable but instead of following the trends, I tended to stay away from the fray and learned to just be myself.  I might have been a little too much myself when I wore a tuxedo to one of my proms, why did I do this, you ask?  Because I loved to be different and I could. 

In the words of Coco Channel, “Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.”  For me whether it’s fashion, interior design, architecture, or the all-around design of things like cars, I love all the visual aspects of design.  I love to look at everything visually.   I have a deep love for all things that exude style.  It’s the panache of every detail that makes me excited.  I feel the passion that I have inside when I see the design of a favorite sports car, an impeccably designed room, or an outfit that has it all pulled together.  Design is everywhere.  My inspiration comes from all different places and when I see it, it makes me happy. 

Just the other day, when I was again, looking through a packed closet of NOTHNG to wear.  I decided enough was enough and took EVERYTHING out of my closet, re organized it all and purged outfits that just don’t work for me anymore, then I drove it to the local thrift store.  While I was there I had to go browsing the racks, as this is one thing that gives me inspiration, when I have time.  It is another of my guilty pleasures. Where else can you find pieces spanning several generations, numerous designers and styles and priced for only for a few dollars?   It’s so much more fun than the mall, where store after store has the latest trends.  I bore easy so when everything looks the same, I get bored.  In thrift stores, I like to look for well-made fabrics, classic patterns and pieces with amazing textures.  I find numerous things that I would never have extra money to purchase brand new or might not even think of buying because it’s not practical.  There is nothing more satisfying than leaving a store with large bags filled with fashion finds and spending very little.  It also makes it much easier when I look in the closet a few months down the road and say I have nothing to wear.  I yank it all out again and weed out my thrift store treasures, taking them back to the thrift store for the next person to repurpose and be excited about.

Dressing up for High Tea

Thirty years after I told my mother I wanted to pick out my own clothes, I am still about comfort. I always wondered why women shove their feet into 8 inches heels, and wear uncomfortably tight clothing, but secretly I wished I could pull it off.  I love everything about design; different textures, fabrics and patterns.  I love accessories like watches, shoes, scarves & HATS!  Oh, how I love HATS! And I am in love with classic fashion these days.  I look back at my grandparent’s generation and realize how stylish a time it was.   I sometimes wonder if we have become so consumed with comfort that we have become lazy as a society and classic fashion has become non-existent.  Some of the reason that I don’t wear heels and dresses much in my life is because they are simply NOT practical.  There is NO need to wear fashionable clothes to soccer practices, school PTO functions and the grocery store.  Practical always wins out.  Being in a VERY small rural town stocked with Amish people, it seems that fashion is one of the furthest things from most people’s minds.  Another reason or excuse to not worry about my appearance is this idea that in order to be fashionable you need to look like the people from the glossy high end magazines.  Honestly who the hell looks like that?  Somewhere in my brain, I have learned that being myself isn’t fashionable.  I need to get rid of this thought process but the question is can I pull it off?  Can I be as fashionable on the outside as I FEEL on the inside?

I once read that we use 20% of the clothes in our closet 80% of the time.   Could this be true?  The quick answer is most definitely, we all have those comfy jeans, the shirt with the stain on it that we love or a worn out pair of shoes that we can’t part with.  Most of us wear the same things week after week. This means that 80% of your clothing is simply taking up valuable space in your closet.   Well, no wonder we can’t find anything to wear; we only like 20% of the things in there.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?  If you’re feeling like you wear the same things day after day, this is the perfect time to get out of that rut! Set aside a few minutes (or hours) to pull everything out of your closet, take stock of what you have, purge, de-clutter, and create a simple, more organized closet space filled with things you will wear.

Love dressing up for a special occasion

Moving forward I will be dressing for me, still for comfort, because let’s face it we are who we are, but when I can pull off a fashion find that screams my name, I will!  I want to throw all those excuses out the window as to why it’s not important here where I live and do what makes me happy!  Take all the inspiration that I get from life and dress for my inner Fashionista. Let whatever you love on the inside come out and shine on the outside.  It may not be possible every day but when it is, make it count!  If you love something you shouldn’t be hiding it, you should be incorporating it into your life and not making excuses as to why it isn’t important.  If it’s important to you, that’s all that matters.   Find what inspires you, look in the sky and in the street, look at the way you live and what’s happening around you and find an inner passion that you can bring to the outside.  What you do and how you present yourself is a direct reflection of who you are.  Make sure that reflection in the mirror of yourself matches the person you are on the inside.

"Family is like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions, but our roots keep us all together.”

 

Yesterday we journeyed to my husband’s homeland, Buffalo, NY.  Not for the chicken wings, not for a Buffalo Bills game, not to visit old buddies and not for a celebration like a birthday, holiday or wedding but rather for a death in the family.  We went to remember a kindhearted man, someone that I always appreciated conversation with and was continuously positive and complimentary to my daughter, myself and my husband.  We went to pay our final respects to our uncle, a man that had married into this crazy yet wonderful clan, just like I had.

When we arrived, I must say, it was weird and a little surreal to see certain faces that I hadn’t seen in so many years.  My only interaction with some has been via Facebook, so I could at least pick them out of the crowd.   We were greeted with open arms and even in light of this dreadful occasion, it felt good to see everyone.  After the initial shock wore off and we paid our respects, my husband and I made our way through the sea of people to the back of the room, where a large portion of our relatives had congregated.   It had been eons since every last one of the family had been in one place (honestly, I’ve been in the family for 19 years and it was a first for me).  Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, all gathering for a common good, to pull together and help their own through one of the most devastating times of their lives.  Each and every family member wishing they could take the grief and sadness away from their loved ones.

As an only child, it is in times like these I am rather envious, not of the loss but of the support a large family and siblings can give.  To have a sizable tribe to support you through thick and thin, it’s something I’m sure I’ve missed out on.  I come from parents whom both have big families, so I understand the dynamics from a far but don’t truly get it.  More times than not, I am appreciative that I don’t have to go through the chaos that seems to come with the job of having siblings (all the bickering, he said, she said kind of stuff) but on the flip side, I will never be acquainted with what it is like to rally together, in those moments when it’s needed most.

As one of my favorite saying goes, “Family is like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions, but our roots keep us all together.”  There was a common theme last night and it was said too many times for me to count.  Most conversations started with the phrase, “It’s been a long time….”  And boy had it been, years upon years since each and every one has been under one roof.  Why does it take a funeral to bring love ones together?  It’s true, family members grow up, start their own families and spread out just like the branches of a tree.  Even though this family all lives within close proximity to one another (my husband, the odd man out, is the only one living away from native soil) they might have just as well been miles away.   Some have stayed in touch with one another, while others have drifted apart.   Some of us staying somewhat connected from a distance on social media but overall as a whole the branches have splintered and they have grown far away from one another. 

In many ways family is very much like a tree that goes through seasons of change.  Some days everything is perfect and the sun is shining on you.  While other days the branches are twisting in the wind.  Leaves fall off and grow back but what never changes are the roots, they keep growing and getting stronger.  Family is a weird dynamic, so complex that the parties involved seem to complicate the relationships for this reason or that, going in and out of one another’s lives though out the years.   It seems as if we’ve got it all wrong but I wouldn’t expect anything less because we are human.  Maybe it’s stubbornness?  Maybe its pride?  Maybe it’s because they are so similar that they have grown apart?  Maybe it’s our busy schedules? Maybe it’s because it’s just how life is supposed to be, we grow up and make our own families?  Whatever the reason, the bond of family, the connection of sharing something as similar as parents or grandparents keeps us linked even when we are apart.  That is why during the wake last night I was happily surprised.  My father-in-law and his siblings all got along like years hadn’t passed; cousins talked about new ventures and their own children and spouses.  They interacted with one another like time hadn’t passed.  Sure everyone has a little less hair, more wrinkles, arthritis, a few more pounds and more baggage then the last time but they seemed to have something deeper than the things that made them drift apart.  They have roots and their roots are strong.

Through death we are reminded about how short our stay on earth is, no matter the age of a person, it never seems to be enough time.  It is a cue to us, to tell the individuals we love how we feel for them, even if they already know.  Don’t wait for a funeral to reach out and tell your family members you love them.  It sounds cliché, but life is short, have no regrets.  Loss reminds us that all the other stuff going on in our lives is background noise; it refocuses us on what is important.  When push comes to shove, family is the strongest connection there is.  It’s too bad it takes unfortunate circumstances to pull together.  If there is ever a silver lining that comes with this life that left us too soon, let it be that this family, that I call myself a part of, finds its roots.  Let them fulfill their promises to call one another more often or to even get together once in a while.   They have grown in different directions as branches do but let this be a reminder that they share the bond that is called family.  Hopefully this moment will strengthen them as a whole.  I know that our uncle was looking down and smiling last night.  He must be proud of the family for pulling together for his wife, children and grandchildren. 

Sometimes through disappointments come many blessings.

“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” - Audre Lorde

Over the river and through the woods to grandma’s house we go.  Well, it was more like load all your crap into the minivan and hit the highway (Six in one, half dozen in the other)!  Destination, Grammy’s house, away, in the big city of Buffalo.  It is one of my favorite times of year, our kid FREE week.  Please don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and I love spending family time together but honestly EVERYONE can use a break that is guilt free.   This year, I was overjoyed to drop her off, honestly I was on overload from sleepovers, carpooling to swim lessons and my daughter’s new summer schedule (I'll do whatever I want whenever I want to do it).  It was definitely a good time for a break in our normal schedule.  Every year our daughter goes to visit her grandparents for a week in the summer, it’s a tradition and I love it.  It’s a win win situation.  My daughter gets the experience of spending quality time with her grandparents while running them into the ground (trust me they need a week or so recovery time).  The bigger win, I feel, is that we get some adult time.

I don’t know about you but it’s hard to remember what we did before we had a family.  I know there have been countless times when we have time together when we look at each other and say,” what do you want to do?  I don’t know, what to you want to do?” and it goes on and on.  As a stay at home mom and wife, most of my days are consumed with the needs of my family.  Cleaning the house, making breakfast, lunch & dinner, making sure we have clean clothes to wear and food in the refrigerator, acting as a taxi service for the nine year old and just your run of the mill family stuff (don’t  be jealous of me, I’m living the dream she said in a sarcastic tone).   So, as every parent out there knows how valuable a week without kids would be, and I only have one kid (GOD bless you crazy parents with a basketball team worth of kids, I feel guilty even writing this blog since I only have one child).  This year’s kid free week was almost better than any vacation away because I didn’t have the stress of packing or getting organized, there was no planning or scheduling, it was PERFECTION.   I just organically let things happen.   It took me a few days of wondering what to do with myself before I finally settled into the idea that I didn’t have to do ANYTHING, unless I wanted to.   I had large aspirations as to what I would get done during the week.  Clean the basement, reorganize the kitchen cabinets, build new shelves in my closet, steam clean the carpets and really get the house in tip top shape.  I said aspirations, right!!  I realized, there will be plenty of time for all those things, in the future.  I realized a week of “me time” is not a race to get things done that I’ve been meaning to do.  That is what I have done in past years, and then the week is over and I think why didn’t I just sit back put my feet up and read a good book?   It’s the guilt of not getting something accomplished or feeling like I have a thousand things I should be doing.

Women seem to get wrapped up in the idea that once we are mothers that is who we are and we forget what is was like to be an adult.  Mother’s seem to carry so much guilt and taking time for ourselves is just another one of those guilt trips.  Working mothers have guilt that they are missing out on your children’s lives, while stay at home mothers tend to put all of our energies into our children and have guilt because we are not out making money for the family.  I don’t think we can win.  Once we become parents, we all forget what it was like before.  We had adult lives, we did adult things and we didn’t have any guilt when we were doing them.  That is how my week went without my daughter; a completely GUILT free, who gives a shit if the bed isn’t made, kind of week.

Perhaps Audre Lorde said it best when she was quoted saying, “I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent.  Caring for myself is an act of survival.”  She must have been a mother too! For some reason we live in a culture that makes us feel guilty when we put our own needs first.  Guilt is a useless feeling that only eats away at us internally and does NO good for anyone.  Wanting to do things without our kids doesn’t make us bad parents; it makes us better parents, in my opinion.  We should all put ourselves first once in a while; it’s good for kids to see that they aren’t always the center of the universe and you are a human being too, not just MOM or DAD.   

During my quilt-free no-kid week I went on a date to the movies, on a Monday night (who does that?), had breakfast in bed (ok so it was ice cream but we ate it for breakfast), made chocolate covered strawberries for no reason at all (just because they are my favorite), spent 1 whole guilt free day watching movies with my husband,  took a ride in our boat to a restaurant for lunch, spent quality adult time with some friends drinking wine on their deck, kayaked on the lake with some of my girlfriends, ate out every night for one whole week (yes, that means there was NO COOKING, at all), read a book, had a quick weekend getaway to Niagara Falls with my husband, went thrift store shopping for NO reason at all and I didn’t make the bed any day the whole week! I also skipped the dishes and laundry too!  It was an extremely awesome week and I didn’t accomplish a thing but I sure cleared my head.  I guess no responsibility will do that to you?

So for me, I do not look at my “me time” as self-indulgent, I do look at it as a necessity or a way of survival.  Parents get so caught up in our children’s lives; I think we forget to take care of ourselves physically and mentally.  After my “me time” I am so much more refreshed and am most definitely a better mother and wife, so why oh why do we feel so guilty?  For those of you who are parents, please make sure you make time for yourself.  Not everyone is a fortunate as me and can ship the kids off to grandma’s for a whole week but carve out some time for yourself, even if it’s an hour.  Don’t forget you are an adult and it’s ok to NOT want to watch the movie Frozen for the 30^th time, you don’t have to feel guilty.  Parents need to remember that our well-being and good mental health make us better parents.  Spend some quality adult time with your significant other.  The good news about my daughter’s trip away to the big city is that she comes back a little more refreshed too.  After all she got away from us too, her nagging parents.  Trust me everyone needs a break once in a while.  It gave me a clean slate, and a better perspective on life, and it reminded me I am a woman and not just a mom.   Carving out ‘me time” once in a while has become my act of survival.  Give it a try, put yourself first, try to remember who you were and what you enjoyed doing before you had a family and do it without a care in the world, trust me,  you’ll thank me.

I would like to send a shout out to both sets of my daughter’s grandparents!  We are so very lucky to have you in our daughter’s life, your willingness to take on your granddaughter makes our lives that much easier and it doesn’t go unnoticed.  I am truly grateful, you help keep my sanity and it gives me the opportunity to do so many things free of guilt!  Thank you and I love you!