"We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." – Sam Keen

Given that, this week marks my 11^th wedding anniversary with my husband, I reckoned it was a good time to talk marriage.  I’m clearly not a relationship expert but I feel I’ve earned my stripes and can speak on the subject with some knowledge or at least tell you my perspective.  This year my husband and I will have been together nearly half of our lives, 18 years to be exact (as I tap it out on the keys, I still can’t believe we’re that old).  Certain days it hardly seems feasible that we have been together that long, other days I barely remember my life before him.  Either way I look at it, it’s been an awesome ride that I’m buckled in for and not getting off anytime soon. 

I read an article the other day about a couple born on the same day, eloped in their teens, married for 75 years that died a day apart.  Can you say fate?  That’s just weird, right?   Isn’t this really the best case scenario for any marriage?   Living a long fulfilling life with someone you love that you never have to watch suffer.   75 years of marriage, I hope to make it there one day.  Wouldn’t it be great if there were a formula to follow?    Unfortunately there is no cookie cutter way to make a marriage work.  Every relationship is different, some last the test of time, while others only a few minutes.   With the divorce rate over 50%, the idea of marriage can be daunting.  I say, if it works for you, run with it.  I do feel marriage need to be selfless.  Many marriages stop working because the couple thinks it will always be like when they first met but relationships fizzle out and you have to constantly work at them, like it’s your job.  If it means you have to do things you don’t want to, so be it.   Ah, the things we do for love, that could be its own separate blog entry.  I do know that if you make your marriage a priority and don’t give up, you can make it.

I try not to judge anyone else’s relationship, as you never know the inner workings them.  It has been my observation that the marriages that I thought would last forever, the ones that seemed almost perfect, ended and the ones that seemed to be a crazy match and should never last more than a year are still going.  No rhyme or reason, remember?   If I was to impart my wisdom, the only thing I am certain of is that marriage is hard and takes work; constantly changing and evolving.   However if you choose the right person to be by your side it’s one of the easiest and most remarkable experiences of life.  

Relationships are forever transforming; some for the good, some for the bad, but if you are committed to working together and roll with the punches you can get through anything.  I know that I have chosen the right person to do that with and I knew it 18 years ago, when we met.  Any guy who would volunteer to sit with a girl who was throwing up (clearly from intoxication) for a bus ride all the way from Buffalo to St. Louis, is a keeper.  By the way, I threw up 16 times during that trip and he still married me.   My husband is such a NICE guy; he was the only person that was willing to sit with me.  Fate, who knows?  I knew back then how great he was but I was a little unsure that he was the perfect fit for me, at that time.  What did I know, I was only 18 years old? 

A great quote by Sam Keen says, “We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”  That 18 year old who didn’t think we were the perfect match, might have been right.  He wasn’t perfect but I’m so glad I gave it a try and found out perfect is all in how you look at it.  Perfection is for pin up calendars and chick flicks not for relationships.  When you fall in love you look past all the imperfections and love the hell out of the perfection in front of you, or at least that is what I did.  So my husband burps loud, licks his plate at the dinner table, doesn’t match his clothes right, and isn’t getting calls from Vogue for cover shoots.  He is so much more than a pretty face anyway.  Come to find out perfect is someone that is there for you, holds your hand, attempts to understand you, supports you no matter what, kisses you goodnight, takes care of your children and is committed to you every day.   So if you are still looking for that perfect person, stop and know that perfect isn’t out there.  You have to give someone a chance and see if you can live with all their perfect imperfections.  I consider myself lucky to have found my perfect and I love the hell out of him. 

I would like to say special thank you to my parents and my in-laws for showing us the way.  Your commitment to your marriages hasn’t gone without notice.  Through all your ups and downs you have shown us the importance of the vows that we took 11 years ago.  You have exhibited that there is no such thing as perfect, just hard work and loyalty.  Thanks for being our role models. 

To my best friend and my husband you are my everything. (Too much? I know cheesy, right? Sounds like a Hallmark moment.)  Thank you for being you, not taking life too serious with me and making me smile every single day.  You have given me more than I could have possibly imagined.  Eleven years of marriage down and our love and respect for one another seems stronger than when we first met.  I’m really lucky I choose my best friend to be by my side.  I get to start and end each day with a man that is kind, caring, considerate, easy going, hardworking, supportive, immature and equipped with the best sense of humor anyone could ask for.  That’s really our secret.  He makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I’ve said it so many times before, laughter is the KEY.  It’s what keeps me going and grounded, in all aspects of my life.   I am so glad I have you by my side, you are the Beavis to my Butthead (yeah, I said it; we really don’t take life too serious …it works for us).   Thank you for seeing the perfect in my imperfections, making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and loving all my flaws.  You are a good man and you deserve everything you want out of life and I hope to be by your side for it all. Happy Anniversary.  I love you with all my heart.   The last 11 years of marriage have taught me that it doesn’t matter where you go in life; it’s who is by your side. 

 

"In the eyes of a child you will see the world as it should be." – Unknown

 

It dawned on me the other day that my daughter is partaking one of the most brilliant summers of her life.  Each and every summer is distinct and diverse but this one seems to be rather amazing, with loads of friends, oodles of family and tons of summer fun and we are only halfway through it.  If summer was to end today, I would say it’s been a decent one.  I won’t bore you with all the details but suffice to say she is one lucky eight year old.  I know my daughter won’t possible remember it all, in years to come, but I like to think that all the little bits and pieces of her experiences will add up to magnificent memories that will make her who she is to become someday.  I’ve heard folks say that kids are too young to recollect occurrences so why bother doing things with them until they are old enough to remember.   I completely disagree.  I like to think that somewhere deep down every experience big or small makes you who you are, even if your memory doesn’t recall it, and I feel your experiences live with you forever.

As a mother, I want my child to do it all and see it all, experience as much as possible and because of this our summer has been jammed packed with goodies.  With all the planning and great ideas, I can’t help but notice that some of the most enjoyable times have been the impromptu encounters, the ones that are thrown together last minute.  Like the other night at the lake, where we went to take a quick dip, on a muggy summer night.  A completely normal occasion, nothing special, or was it?  Watching my daughter swim and splash around, in the lake, with all the freedom of the world was indeed priceless.   She played and swam about with her friends and had the time of her life.  Just the water and a dock…no toys, no money, no elaborate plans, just good old summer fun with buddies.  As I observed the kids jumping off the dock, giggling up a storm at themselves without a care in the world, I knew in that moment I was observing the most beautiful sound ever created, children’s laughter.  If we could bottle that sound and listen to it when we are having a rough time, the world might be a better place.  Who doesn’t smile when they hear laughter?   Laughter is by far my favorite sound in life, I’m glad I was able to stop and live in that moment. That quick trip to the lake was how life should be, simple but so very special.   I got to watch kids being kids and that might be one of the most delightful things, in the whole wide world.

A quote I found, says it best, “In the eyes of a child you will see the world as it should be.”  Kids have a way of putting life back into perspective.  We should all take a lesson from our kids and understand that it’s the simple things that mean the most.  I know myself, I am always trying to one up things, go bigger or better than the last time, which can be good because we are constantly seeing and doing new things but I forget it’s the simple things that are unsurpassed.  This summer we have had many adventures but the least planned and cheapest ones have been some of the best.  Adults always complicate and overthink but children see beauty in the smallest things. I love to see kids frolicking in nature and making something fun out of what appears to be nothing.  It’s inspiring to me see a child use their brains and surroundings to create happiness.  It’s truly refreshing to see kids being kids, especially in this age of instant gratification and high speed electronics; it’s hard to be content when things are moving so fast.  It’s hard to stop and just live in the moment. 

Hopefully this summer, you will make the time to stop for a moment, sit back and watch children’s creative minds at work while they enjoy the simple things of life.  Most adults lose the ability to see the world as it should be, we get so busy and caught up in our schedules and plans that we forget to just have fun.  Remember kids don’t need to have the very best of everything; they need to have time to play and be kids, let their imaginations run wild and explore new things.  Through this they see the world as it should be; pure, simple and fun.  Learn from our kids, stop planning every moment, and enjoy the simplicity and exuberance of life!  If you listen long enough you might even get to hear the best sound in the world, laughter. We all need to think a little less and live a little more.  Take some time to remember what it is like to be a kid so you will see the world as it should be.

 

“Don’t Let Your Struggle Become Your Identity.”

This particular blog entry is hard for me to write.  I am obviously open to writing about myself and the things going on, in my life, but I’m not sure where to begin.  This one feels almost too personal.   I’m going to do it anyway, enough is enough, there is no real graceful way to start, so here goes.  I am what a person with an invisible illness looks like.   I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, an auto immune disease, 6 years ago at the age of 30.   Several people around me, still to this day, don’t even know I have UC, like I said it’s invisible and difficult to bring up in conversation, at a dinner party.

I know the majority of you are thinking, what is Ulcerative Colitis?  Most people have no clue what UC is, (I know I didn’t when I was diagnosed) so I guess I should enlighten you.  I will just convey a quick overview and if you are interested in ascertaining more, Google it.  Ulcerative Colitis is a form of Irritable Bowel Disease (IBD) that affects the large intestine.  It is commonly confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) a much less serious condition.  Colitis is part of the Crohn’s family, which is more commonly understood, both Crohn’s and Colitis have similar characteristics.   Here comes the gross part.   Ulcerative Colitis presents symptoms of diarrhea, cramping pain, blood and mucus, in addition for me; it affects frequency, urgency, control and consistency (Fun, right?).  UC can go into remission for extended periods of time or present itself in flares on a regular basis.  There is no real rhyme or reason at all, as to what causes a flare, which makes this disease exceedingly stressful. Foods do not cause flare ups but controlling diet can help when symptoms occur.  Oh, and there is no cure, so most likely I will deal with this the rest of my life.  I promise I’m getting to the inspiring and positive part.  It sounds so uplifting so far, doesn’t it?

I read this great quote a long time ago and it has always stuck with me, “Don’t Let Your Struggle Become Your Identity.”  I couldn’t find out whose quote this was but I agree with it wholeheartedly.  It’s real easy to get into the why me slump.  Who doesn’t at some point in time?  We always think we’ve got it so bad when in fact someone else, somewhere else has it so much worse than you do.  I’m not perfect and I do let myself go to the why me place but I try my best to only make a quick stop.  After I get done feeling sorry for myself, and I do, I normally step back and tell myself, I will make it through this.  I have been diagnosed with a disease not a death sentence; it’s my cross to bear.  I also do my best to put it in perspective and realize in the past, I have endured unimaginable pain and embarrassment and lived to tell about it.  I get stronger and more knowledgeable with each flare up, that’s got to count for something.  I am however determined to not let my struggle become who I am!  It is merely a part of me, just like where I live or what I like to do but it does not make me who I am.  So no matter what the future holds for me, I am determined to keep fighting my own personal battle with UC and have hope that one day I won’t have to know where every bathroom is.

I would never claim to be an expert on UC, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.  All kidding aside, I have stood around and listened to people feel sorry for me, misunderstand the disease and try to tell me what they believe is the cure, everyone’s got a diet that will cure it.  I know people are trying to genuinely help but for the most part I have read it all and tried many different things, everyone is different and in fact there is no magic pill or diet.  It’s a daily challenge that each person affected by this illness has to understand for themselves.  What I would like to tell people is, just be there for me when I call on you and need you.  Understand that sometimes I can be perfectly fine one minute and balled up in the fetal position, on the toilet the next.  Know that I could be very sick even though I look fine. Don’t tell me, that you know what I’m going through, because the 24 hour flu you experienced isn’t the same.  Also know that weight gain is a factor for me when I take steroids, just know it’s not fun and I don’t need to know, how good or bad I look.  Overall, I just want to be treated normally.  Please don’t worry about the foods I eat, don’t make me try something I don’t want or don’t tell me that my problem will go away if I eat better.  Most importantly, NEVER ask me to wait to go to the bathroom, pull the car over or help me find the closest bathroom NOW, if there isn’t a bathroom nearby help me come up with a way to improvise but NEVER ask me to wait. 

Why am I writing this now, after 6 years?   I’m writing this to bring more awareness to UC and to let others with their own crosses to bear know that it’s ok to talk about it.  If I can talk about my bowels, nothing is off limits, in my mind. Bringing your problem into the light is the only way to make others truly understand.  I’m also writing about it right now, because honestly it’s on my mind.  I’ve made several trips to the bathroom, just while writing this blog as I am in the middle of a flare up.   After months of jumping through hoops and getting on the proper medication, I believe I’m starting to feel better.  It’s early in my recuperating, but I remain optimistic, it’s all I can do.  I will tell you that I’m not letting up or stopping my usual routine, I just keep pushing through.  A good example of my determination to press on and be normal materialized the other day when I was playing in my softball league.  I didn’t imagine I would be able to make it through this particular game, I was experiencing a lot of pain caused by my flare up and I started to panic because there wasn’t a bathroom in sight.  I improvised; I had to take my wipes to a wooded area (it’s in a city, so you can imagine it was no forest and not ideal).  This type of thing is not for everyone and I understand but after you have messed your pants, in public, you learn to be creative and do what’s necessary to make it though.   Point being, I can make it through any circumstance and so can you.  I refuse to lock myself up in my house and sulk; I just wear my flare up on my sleeve and get on with things. I played the whole softball game thinking I could do it, prayed I would get through it and I did.   Positivity really does go a long way. 

The biggest thing I have learned over the last 6 years and would tell anyone suffering through this silent illness is to talk about it.  Stop the silence, how can people know about what we are going through, if we keep quiet about it.  Make people around you understand and don’t down play it.  I know…I know no one wants to talk about poop but it’s a fact of life and everybody’s doing it.   People who matter in your life will try to understand your struggle and if someone is bothered by it, shame on them for being so insensitive.  My hope for the future is that my disease will come out of the dark and finally be discussed just like all the others.  The more people talk about it the more of a chance that one day there will be a cure.  No matter what your struggle is in life, know that it’s not as bad as it seems, in the moment.  Take a deep breath, talk about it with those around you and know that you will get through it.  It’s only a small part of you, don’t give it more power than it deserves and don’t let it become who you are.  Never give up.  It’s like they always say, you don’t know what someone is going through until you walk in their shoes.  So remember to be sensitive to others, just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

“You need to let the little things that would ordinarily bore you suddenly thrill you.” - Andy Warhol

It feels like ages since the last time I put pen to paper, or finger tips to keyboard, in my case, but I will say it has given me additional time to reflect, on my recent experiences.  I have been keeping busy.  You know us Northerns, we have to shove 9 months of activities into our summers, to compensate for all the time we were held up inside, throughout the cold months.  We anticipate this weather all year and once it eventually gets here, look out.  Hot days, warm nights, bathing suits, boat rides, waterlogged kids and lots of SPF.  Yes folks, summer is in full swing where I live.

Every year we kick off our “official” summer with my daughter’s birthday.  Now normally just her birthday bash is enough to tire us (her parents) but in addition it is always followed by the July 4^th holiday.  So you can imagine that we start off the summer with a BANG.  This year my husband sandwiched a week’s vacation between our “official” start of summer and the July 4^th holiday.  As a family, we have NEVER had a vacation together with NO plans or destinations in mind.  A staycation, sounds like a nice relaxing time, right?  Wrong, we burned the candle at both ends, and in the end we needed a vacation from our vacation but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Andy Warhol said, “You need to let the little things that would ordinarily bore you suddenly thrill you.”  A staycation always seemed like a really boring idea to me, who wants to explore the places around them when you can travel to all the parts of the globe and see uncharted territories?  Not me!  I fancy exploring unfamiliar places, experiencing new things and seeing it all.  Who wants to see the mundane scenery of your home and the area in which you live?  I expected it to be boring because I’ve ultimately lived in my home town, most of my life.  What more is there to see or do?  What could we possibly do that would make it feel like a vacation?  Please don’t get me wrong, I appreciate where we live but the notion of staying home to vacation seemed rather uninteresting to me.  Come to find out I was certainly not bored during the course of the week and we didn’t need to do anything different to realize we were on vacation.  Guess it turns out a vacation is more a state of mind than a destination.  Having said that, I still love to travel and whenever I get the opportunity to explore new lands, I’m out of here.

Throughout our staycation, as a family, we took time to golf, paddle board, kayak, waterski, go for boat rides, tube, sit by the campfire, eat smores, look at the stars, have several BBQs, devote time to family and friends, swim in the lake, watch firework displays, hang out in our backyard, go to the movies and eat out. I’m smiling thinking back but I suddenly feel like I need a nap.  So much for a relaxing vacation, right?  We really packed it in but had a blast doing it because we were on vacation, in our minds. We treated the week just like a normal vacation; no work, no regular chores, no getting up early.   We did manage to indeed sleep in later than normal, but only because we were up well after midnight every single night.  We got too much sun, too much exercise, drank too much and were sleep deprived but it was so wonderful to have no plans or any indication of what we were doing next.  It’s no vacation to Bora Bora (let’s be real) but I would definitely do it all over again, just not right away.  I was BEAT, in that good way, like after our vacation to Disney World.  You all know what I mean, haven’t we all needed a vacation from our vacation, at one time or another?

Whether it’s summer where you live or not, take time to relish in the simple things all around you, in your “normal” environments.  Make the time, even if it doesn’t seem all that thrilling to you or might even bore you, you might be surprised how wonderful your current surrounding are. Summertime, where I live gets busy and takes on a life of its own.  Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate all of the greatness when it’s so rushed.  That’s why I feel fortunate to have had a whole week of nothing planned with my family to enjoy the simple things that we constantly do, but go by so fast when you are cramming them into a few months.  I have always known that we live in a terrific locale, in the heart of the Finger Lakes, flourishing in the summer, but as we all do at times, I took it for granted. When I take the time, I am reminded how good it feels to get outside in the summer; smell the fresh cut grass, enjoy the sun on my face, watch the sunset, enjoy swimming and just feel a sense of life when I walk out the door.  It’s the little things, which in the middle of our normal busy schedules we take for granted or can even bore us, that should put that spark, in our lives, and make us thrilled to be alive.

Please enjoy my 8 year olds writing, she is not a writing fan but her mean mom is making her write and get the cobwebs cleaned out since she left school.  Sometimes we should all try to think as simple as kids…

 

The 4^th of July

I went to my family’s cottage, on the lake, for the Fourth of July.  My parents went with me and some of our friends came with us.  We went swimming and after that tubing.  Later my cousin joined us.  All the kids spent time jumping off the dock.  One friend was afraid at first but his sister jumped right off.  We did this all day.  Later we had a campfire and smores.  We watched the fireworks on the lake.  I had fun.