“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Picture this, you are driving an enormous delivery truck down a tight swarming inter city street, people and traffic a plenty, with high gusty winds, six other passengers aboard critiquing your every move, regurgitating memorized company policies word for word, sporting oversized men’s pants (side note: you are not a man), respecting the rules of the road, being interrogated with enquires that your brain is just blanking out on, grinding gears and attempting  not to run over anyone or anything.  Sound like something you would like to do?  Yeah, me neither.  Not too many individuals find themselves in this predicament.   A few weeks ago, I would have thought that this was the beginning of a bad dream, but I couldn’t wake up from this one because it was indeed my reality.   It seems I am finding myself in new surroundings, experiencing moments  I would have never imagined, stepping out of my comfort zone,  all while pushing myself to limits I couldn’t even envision I was capable of achieving and I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve had numerous accomplishments in my life, and quite commonly I discover myself looking back at them with wonder.  Wonder how I got through that, wonder how I messed that up, wonder why that happened, wonder what comes next?  My head is constantly bursting with wonder.   I’ve spent hours upon hours rehashing my past, to figure out how I got where I am, and correspondingly trying to calculate what comes next. There are days when I can’t help but look back at all of my successes and mistakes and wonder how the hell I ended up where I am.  We all do it, it’s human nature.  We all strive to learn from our past and plan out the perfect life ahead.   I have been tested more times that I care to admit and I have squandered countless hours struggling to figure everything out.    I’ve looked back at my misfortunes, smiled as I thought about all that I’ve achieved and still have had no freaking clue what it all means.  It has been an ongoing crusade for me and it’s draining.  I continually feel like everyone else has it all figured out and I’m solely left hanging out in the wind wondering.  I have dedicated so much time pondering, thinking and pontificating in that wonder that I can safely say, I was getting nowhere, driving myself round the bend and ruining the world around me.   For one reason or another I recently opted to merely live.  Disregard the wonder, embrace what comes my way and stop trying to figure it all out.  So I have purloined a new stance on life, albeit a little cliché, I adopted the YOLO approach, you only live once.  I know, I know, it’s cheesy (my eyes are rolling as I write it) but it has taken me into directions I would have in no way gone just sitting back wondering my life away.   I am learning to purely undergo life, and see where it carries me. Nowadays, when an opportunity presents itself, I do it, period.  It’s that simple, because you never know where it will lead you.  Instead of packing your noodle with justifications or pretext as why it can’t be done or that it will not work, I am striving to, in the words of Nike, “Just do it.”   Thus far I’ve been dumbfounded by what I am capable of and I’ve only just begun.

A quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson was brought to my attention recently, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”   Really let that one sink in, for there are no truer words.  Until you genuinely tap into what you are capable of, you will NEVER know your abilities and at no time arrive at your potential.   From time to time it feels like the matters we have been through or experiences that are looming are overpowering.  By nature we don’t like to force ourselves out of our comfort zone, it can be overwhelming.   However, this little bit of discomfort is inconsequential compared to what each and every one of us is equipped with on the inside.  As creatures of habit we tend to dwell on what we can’t understand, but each and every one of us has what it takes to push through anything and everything that comes into our path.  So all that wondering and over thinking about where I’ve been or where I’m going is but no matter.  What has materialized good or bad is the past.  And all that lies to the front, is nothing but minuscule concerns, because we are outfitted with what we need to figure it all out, as it comes.  It is the abilities and passion within us that slingshot us into our life’s trajectory.  You’ve heard it before but I’ll say it again, it’s all in the way you deal with what you are presented with.   Your character, your will and your attitude make each encounter worth something, not the tangible happenings we live through or are presented with; it is what is on the inside that will matter each and every time.  You NEVER know when that brand new experience will escort you to where you are intended to be.

Back to those constricted congested city streets, where I recently concluded  a weeks long training for a delivery driver job, the company to which I am associated will remain nameless; all I will say is that I look damn good in the color BROWN.  Who would have thought me, a self-proclaimed jack of all trades master of none and stay at home mom, a delivery driver?   Seriously?  All through my wondering, I would have NEVER and I mean NEVER guessed I would be doing this.  This fresh opportunity arose at the ideal time, and I proceeded my new YOLO attitude.   I would have for no reason expected the involvements I would have, the people I would connect with, and the challenges conquered.  I can hardly believe that I have only laid the foundation for this latest adventure and I can only imagine where it will lead me.  One thing is for sure, I’m embarking on this episode of my life with all the tools I could possibly need to reach success, and you can’t see any of them from the outside.  I’ve never aspired to drive a truck or deliver packages, but my open mindedness to this experience made me excel at a task I would have never envisioned doing, making it that much more special.  No matter if this is my new lifelong career or another passing whim; I am a more accomplished person for giving it a go.  I dug deeper than I have had to in a long time, pushed myself further than I wanted to be pushed and did things I never thought I was able to do.  Who knew it was inside me all along?  It was all about my attitude, my willingness to try and learn something new that got me through.  Wearing ugly men’s drawers and slipping gears in the hood, the only female among men, while someone shouted questions at me and yammered on non-stop about detail after detail of my maneuvering, was honestly a challenge.  It fried my nerves but I never told myself I couldn’t do it.  I took myself to a whole new place, I didn’t know even existed.  I had to memorize and resight word for word company policies and procedures while driving.  Up until recently, my inner voice would have notified me there was NO WAY I could do any of that.  My memory is horrible and most days I feel like I’m one step away from the Alzheimer’s disease, so to say that this task was out of my wheelhouse is an understatement.  I’m here to tell if I can do that, I can do anything and so can you.   It wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination but I did it.   On day two, I received one of the only 100% grades in the class, and from that point forward I knew that I could do anything, as long as I kept telling myself I could.  With passion, positivity and some god given talent ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING is possible.  I am proof of this. 

There isn’t really any better feeling that being proud of yourself, it propels you to want to do more, be better and push yourself to new heights.  That feeling is contagious and can’t be stopped.  Of course new experiences are grueling and intimidating but in the end they are the most gratifying because they didn’t come easy.  It’s in those times we grow and become who we are supposed to be, not in the times we play it safe.  I get that everyone has doubt and wonder, just don’t let that rule your mind.  Step outside of your comfort zone, push yourself to new limits and be the VERY BEST you know how to be.  It’s that easy.  Don’t give up on yourself, try new things and enjoy the things you are presented with because you never know when the next YOLO incident will change your life.  It is mind-boggling the potential we hold inside ourselves.  We are already equipped with what we need to get through whatever comes next, those situations are no match for all that lies within us, this I know to be true.  My latest involvement on the city streets is proof that if you believe in yourself, the little voice inside your head and heart, that reflection looking back at you in the mirror will make it all possible.  What lies within us is the most powerful device we have. Tell yourself without a question of a doubt, that you know you are resilient enough to get through whatever life throws at you.  I will always wonder, it’s just who I am.  Only now I wonder why I wasted so much time worrying and wonder what I will be presented with tomorrow that I will accomplish.

“The policy of being too cautious is the greatest risk of all.” - Jawaharlal Nehru

I have EVERYTHING.  A home, a loving husband, a beautiful healthy daughter and security.   My life from the outside is picture perfect.  I have never really wanted for much; I have lived such a charmed life.  And at one point in time that was enough, it was everything I had ever wanted.   And out of nowhere, one day, like a car in your blind spot that you don’t see coming, I woke up and that security or haven, no longer served me.  I felt lost and confused and I hadn’t a clue as to how to figure it all out.
Everything in my existence had become comfortably predictable and it was eating away at me from the inside out.   Days started to feel more like the movie Groundhogs Day with every chime of the alarm clock.  It was a viscous cycle, a merry go round of monotony and I wanted off!  I lost my zest, that bit of excitement that gets us out of bed in the morning.  It was GONE!  I was empty.  My life felt like complete stagnation!   Our lives have gotten all cluttered up with things that we think we “should” do; so much so that we can’t figure out what the things are that we were meant to do.   We go through life like zombies sometimes, busying ourselves with so many have to do things, that we forgot what it is like to do things because we want to.

All my life I have done everything I was supposed to.  I was a good kid. I graduated from high school. I always worked.  I never got in trouble with the law.  I always had rebellion on the inside but I never really rebelled in a big way.  I went away to college and studied hard.  I met my husband in college and he is the nicest guy you will ever meet.  He follows the letter of the law and does what you are supposed to do, much more than myself.  So, when I started dating him at age 19, I followed his lead.  We did everything society tells us you are supposed to.  We were together for five years before we got engaged.  We waited 2 years to get married.  We had a letter perfect wedding at my family church.  We moved to where we live now, to be close to family.  After 2 years of marriage we decided it was time to have a baby and bam, just like that, it came easy to us and we had our daughter.  At that same time we built a house.  I decided to be a stay at home mom with our daughter, figuring it was the most important thing I could do, in my life.  I put any thoughts or dreams for myself on the backburner and focused ALL of my attention on my family.  I breast fed for exactly one year.  Read to my daughter every night.  Made my own baby food and didn’t feed her sugar until she was 2.  I spent nearly every minute raising and teaching her.   I didn’t have the guilt that other mother’s that worked felt when leaving their kids every day.  I was very proud of being able to do that and consider myself blessed.  We’ve had flawless holidays and vacations with both sides of our families.  When my daughter entered school, I joined and became EXTREMELY active in everything in her school, becoming the PTA vice president and coaching all the sports she joined.  Then one day I woke up and forgot who I was. 

I read a quote by Jawaharlal Nehru that read, “The policy of being too cautious is the greatest risk of all.”  All of that cautiousness, this is what you are supposed to do stuff, had made me became discontent with my life.  Most of you reading this are saying to yourselves, get over it, boo hoo to you and I get that, I really do.  My life isn’t horrible by any stretch of the imagination.  I think I feel like this because somewhere along the way I forgot who I was and what I liked to do.  See, I feel like I have always taken a cautious approach, I followed what I thought was right and did everything I could to make it be that way.  Where in reality, who says what is right and wrong?   You have to find out what is right for you, not what is right for someone else.  The biggest mistake one can make is not being honest with yourself.  Looking in on my life from the outside, it looks like a Norman Rockwell painting but I’m not sure I want to be in that painting! 

Doing everything you are supposed to do creates an illusion that you shouldn’t make mistakes. I know that I have made some along the way but honestly it feels like I have never really made many large mistakes, some would say that is a blessing but I’m not sure that is this case.  Mistakes are what mold us into better human beings that make us realize our purpose and put us on the right track.  Not making mistakes keeps us safe.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t LOVE my family, my house or my life, of course I do, more than anything in the world.  I simply want to give myself permission to do things wrong or not do things that you maybe are “suppose to” do.  Because doing everything right and never making mistakes, is simply boring!  Perfection is boring. Life is supposed to messy.  In life you are supposed to make mistakes.  Please don’t misread me, I am not saying I am perfect, that is hardly the case.  I am only saying modeling your life the way you think it is supposed to be, a perfection, if you will, is in fact not living life to the fullest.  I have created and am SO VERY proud of my life but I’m starting to think I have missed something and I hope to find it in myself?

It is said that not until we are lost do we find ourselves.   It is so true, I think we have to completely become unraveled to start to find the real hard answers that we don’t necessarily want to know but must to better understand ourselves.  One of the longest journeys you will make is that one that takes us inward.   There is certainly no one size fits all or no quick fix to this journey.  On my inward reflection I have found that I am my own worst enemy.  We hold ourselves back and form patterns that keep us safe, which works just fine, UNTIL it just no longer works.  I’m starting to listen to my inside voice a little more these days and I’m starting to be honest with my feelings and emotions.  Quite honestly it’s not all sunshine and rainbows to say the least but it is necessary to figure it all out and take control of the life that I need.

The process of self-discovery isn’t an easy one.  Seems like you should just snap your fingers and bam, you do what makes you happy and instant fulfillment.  NOPE, not a chance in hell.  It’s the most uncomfortable process I have ever tried to conquer and I have been unsuccessful at it for a while.  It is simply petrifying!  There is so much confusion that serves as the catapult for questions.   These days my questions have questions. Unanswered questions glide in and out of my mind at all hours of the day and night.  I am constantly evaluating my life, NON STOP.  Why did I do this?  Will I like that?  It is constant confusion, why can’t I just be happy with what I have, has become a daily mantra for me.  All of this unfulfillment is changing who I am and making me feel painfully guilty for not appreciating all that I have. Finding yourself is like searching for a nickel in the ocean.  It’s out there somewhere but you have a lot of water to trudge though to find it.

So how do we figure out who we are or what we are here for?  Can we understand anything about a person from their social media profiles?   On Facebook, I have 249 “friends” if you will (less than 20 of them are real friends), my status is married, I have 148 sites that I like (half I’m not sure I remember liking), I was born 38 years ago, I have thousands of pictures of my family, friends, day to day doings and trips, I like a good inappropriate joke every now and again and I graduated from Buffalo State College.  Does that sum up my life, is that all that I am??  Not even close! 

So let me think about a few of the more recent job interviews I have been on, surely those questions will get to the core of who I am.  “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”  Umm, employed!! “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” I’m too awesome.   And my personal favorite, “if you were a Disney character which one would you be?”  Yes, this was an actual question *eye roll* at which time I realized I shouldn’t take that job and blurted out “GOOFY!”  I was stunned to find the interviewer was asking a follow up to my answer, “Why?”  I quickly answered in my sarcastic tone, “Isn’t it self- explanatory?”

Maybe a questionnaire like form, similar to a dating profile could help figure out who I am?   What makes you tick?  What is your body type?  Eye Color? Where are you employed? What are your favorite things? What do you do for fun?   Ooh, such deep questions.   Not sure that is where you will learn anything more about a person other than the surface dribble that everyone puts out for the world.  What I figured out after delving into all this useful information that we tell the world about us, is that it’s ALL COMPLETE BULLSHIT!  I love kittens and long walks on the beach.  I love to volunteer and spend time with my family.   No SHIT!  Those are all great answers to tell the public and the world at large because they are the nice answers, but what if you want the REAL answers for ourselves?  How do we get those answers?

These days I don’t have many answers, in fact I have been struggling to write a positive blog post for months and I’m still not sure this one is all the uplifting, but it is honest.  Moving forward I am going to stop being my own worst enemy, stop trying to create perfection and just live life, no matter how messy it gets.    I am certain, that I will be doing much more for me, in the coming months. I want to start loving my life again.  I know that if I start to find myself, the reason I’m here, that zest I’ve been looking for, I will be a much better mother and wife.  Someone just needs to tell that voice in my head that tells me I’m being selfish to shut the hell up!  We all need to stop lying to ourselves, listen to your true feelings and emotions and just do what feels good.  Stop listening to the information we put out into the public world and tap into the real you, the one that really makes you tick.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel no matter the consequences.  If you need to feel it, you should.  And lastly, on my horribly long journey of self-exploration, I’m finding out that life is less about finding yourself and more about creating what you want for yourself.  My wish for all of you reading this, long drawn out blog post, is for you to get out there and create the life you want for yourself, whatever it looks like, do it only for yourself, you can’t do it for anyone but you.   I’m not where I want to be yet, and I’m still not even sure what it will look like when I get there but I know that I’m done fighting the battle inside myself.  I’m feeling all of my emotions and feelings, good and bad and hopefully I will get the power back to feel ALIVE.  So here’s to throwing caution to the wind and making mistakes, I hope they bring me to where I need to be.  And when I finally get there, I hope to start my journey all over again, because I know I will always be a work in progress.

"Straight roads do not make skillful drivers." - Paulo Coelho

Ever have one of those days where you just don’t know anything?  You feel like you are just going through the motions and nothing seems to spark your interest?  You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t?  Nothing seems to go your way?  No matter how hard you try, you can’t get your shit together.  Well, it seems as if I’m having one of those days, weeks, months or even years!  I wish I was a ray of sunshine, one of those folks who smile when everything is dreadful.  The ones that believe everything is rainbows and lollipops and say things like, “things happen for a reason,” with a beaming glow of their pearly whites.  Well, that’s not me, never has been and probably never will be.  I know what you are thinking, why does this person write a positivity blog?  I ask myself that almost daily.  I’m undoubtedly more suited for writing sarcastic rants or inappropriate opinions but I have selected to write about inspiration and positivity.  I must like the challenge.  The truth is, I’m not writing this for you, the reader; I write for me.  It’s a gentle reminder to me to examine my life contrarily and to try not to get caught up in all the mess the world is throwing at me.  While I’m undergoing this not so great day, week, month or even year, I figured I needed to put pen to paper or fingers to keys, as it were, to remind myself that life doesn’t go as planned and it’s going to be just fine.  Unquestionably someone out there feels the same way, and if not, it’s okeydokey with me; I am fond of standing alone.

When I sense nothing is going my way and I just need a time out, my preferred go to, is a good old fashioned car ride.  Nothing beats the open road, the radio blaring and my own ideas, in my head.  There is something about being in your own space, going wherever you want, as fast as you want and belting out the words to every bad 80s song, on the radio.  Seat dancing and steering wheel drums are an added bonus, in my realm!   A good quality ride centers me, reminds me that life isn’t so awful.  No matter if it is a hurried jaunt to the grocery store or a lengthy road trip across the country, a good drive is like therapy.  Recently I took a time out, as I call it.  I was able to get in the car and go, no reason what so ever, a break from routine, just to get away and be with my own thoughts. Of course, first class road trips are made when the sun is shining and the windows are down. 

Those days seem to be few and far between around here, so I did what makes me happy and drove straight to the beach, Virginia Beach, so I could open my car windows.   The smell of salt water in the air always makes things better.   I just wish I was driving a polished new Jaguar F type coupe.  A girl can dream, right?   My soccer mom mobile covered in salt and dirt was just as enjoyable nonetheless, and I have the speeding ticket to prove it.   Cha ching!   It’s true; it’s all in what you make of things.   Some might look at my experience as running away but my road trip, no matter how outlandish and unconventional, bought me back home.  My self-induced rehabilitation was a positive experience.  Everything isn’t perfect but I am a work in progress and it’s always good to take time to learn new things about yourself which I can say I did while hitting the open road.

A read a great quotation by Paulo Coelho, which said, "Straight roads do not make skillful drivers."   Everyone will be thrown curves in life, some are insignificant little turns that are effortless to navigate and others are more like a switchback, making it very important to not take your eyes off the lane so you can figure out what’s around the bend.  Recently it seems as if I’m driving in a circle, like a NASCAR race, one continuous loop with no end in sight.  I know there is an open road just ahead; I need to tighten my grip on the wheel, turn up the music, take in the scenery, and lean into the hairpin turns. It’s the curves in our lives that put us on the road we are meant to travel.  Life is like one extended car ride.  We have to take detours, to get where we are meant to go.  There continuously seems to be construction that slows us down.  Traffic sometimes brings us to a complete stop and we wait and wait.   We go through lots of stormy weather.  

Sometimes you drive your van right into a three foot hole and get your wheel stuck and the frame of your van is touching the ground, but I digress (this happened to me a few days ago, but that’s a story for a different day).  We get cut off.  We have to pay tolls and we aren’t sure why.   We don’t know where we are at all times and sometimes we take the wrong exit but eventually we have to figure out how to get back on the highway.  We have accidents and there is always, and I mean always, that driver in the left lane with their blinker on that we want ram our car into.  Some days we are mudding in a truck through rough terrain, others we are stacking kids to the ceiling for a car pool and there are French fries all other our floor but some times we have the top down on our convertible with the wind in our hair.   This is what makes life interesting.

I’m not sure if it is the freedom the open road provides, the never ending visual stimulation or being alone with your own thoughts.  Whatever it is, it works for me.  I love being alone, there is something about not having to explain anything to anyone that appeals to me and knowing you are the only one in control.  You can either swerve to miss the pot holes or drive straight into them, it’s your choice.  A decent car ride has a certain therapeutic power that nothing else can provide.  It frees your mind, body and soul all at the same time.  If our lives were one immense straight away, we would never have to learn to navigate the rough terrain, the forks and the turns, which would never make us skilled human beings.  Where’s the fun in that?  If you find yourself at a curve and you can’t seem to figure out what’s on the other side, sit back, steer into the turn and never take your eyes off the street, you will get to the other side.  When you do, you might even find out it’s where you were meant to be.   When the thoroughfare you are traveling on is leading you to a cliff, remember you can steer away from it or drive straight off the damn thing, it’s your choice.  If the highway you are on seems like it will never end and it isn’t taking you where you need to go, take the next side road and see where that takes you, it might not be where you thought you were supposed to go but you may end up surprised how nice the scenery is.

We are programed to get in the car to go from point A to point B but I deem the greatest parts might be in between.  Turn off the GPS and just drive, for no reason and with no destination; get lost, in order to find where you belong.  If we would all just learn to slow down, take a few corners we weren’t expecting and enjoy the trip, we might be surprised by what we stumble upon.  Next time you have problems, get in the car and drive until you find the answers you are looking for.  Or do it for no reason at all, with no destination, just to take in the landscape, turn up the tunes and be with your thoughts.  Always bear in mind there are no shortcuts to any destination worth going, we have to take the long and winding road, in order to value the destination.  Life is meant to be lived.  Get out there and do donuts.  I’m sick of being a passenger in my own ride, it’s time to drive fast and take chances!   When navigating your road of life, you can take the wheel and steer yourself in whatever direction you wish or you can sit in the passenger seat and let the drive just happen to you.  It’s up to you.   Make your ride beautiful.

“I’ve learned that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.”

 

January and February have come and gone and winter is still rearing its ugly head.  The temperatures keep getting colder and colder, the snow drifts are piled higher and higher and there seems to be no end in sight.  With spring just around the corner it’s seems as if we might still be building snowmen instead of planting flowers.  We are smack dab in the middle of a deep freeze. The Northeast is having one hell of a winter, so what the hell am I living here for?  It’s a question that crosses my mind all the time.  As a matter of fact, I have countless questions that cross my thinker daily that makes me feels like my noggin might explode.  Largely my questions second guess my life choices and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just horrific at making decisions.  I deliberate frequently as to why I’m residing in the frigid northeast, when somewhere on this sphere we call home, societies are soaking up the sun, not having to dig out their cars from a snow bank.  It’s hard to believe that life goes on someplace else while we are frozen in place.

Ever roll out of bed and ponder what the hell you’re doing with your life or am I the only one?  It’s a reoccurring theme for me, just ask my husband.  I wonder what I’m going to do with myself and it seems I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up or even where I want to be?  With 38 years behind me, you would assume I would have my shit together but I suppose age has zero to do with it.  I want to possess all the answers and I want them now (I’m a slight bit impatient, does it show?).  For some reason the more grown-up I get the more questions I seem to have and the solutions just aren’t coming to me.  I assume I have so many questions and no results because I don’t wish to make incorrect decisions and suffer disappointment.  So instead I have regret from not making any choices. While I try to keep this tight grip on my life to try and never make mistakes I seem to be squeezing the life right out of it. 

An anonymous quote that I read this morning gave me pause and I think it came at the right time.   Here goes, “I’ve learned that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.”  For a good number of us we feel like we are in the driver’s seat of our lives.  We plan out everything, down to the slight particulars of our day.  The control makes us feel like we are in charge and can make the occurrences that we want to happen, transpire.  Is that really the case or is this just an illusion?  We organize our days crossing every t and dotting every i, construct to do lists, filling in every imaginable space on our calendars.  WHY?  Is it because we don’t want to miss anything? We cram our schedules so full just to get it all in. 

In fact most of the finest things in life come when you aren’t planning or controlling the circumstances.  Some of the best things in life are serendipitous, finding something good without looking for it.  When we control every single moment we don’t leave room for serendipity.  In the past few months I have had a number of momentous peaks and valleys, some of the highest and lowest I‘ve had in some time.  I’ve experienced almost every emotion that the human brain allows, or so it seems. It’s been a thought-provoking few months to say the least. 

 I am privileged to have had many serendipitous instants along the way, like an impromptu drive through the Florida Keys with fantastic friends, spotting a mother whale and her calf soaring into the air while staring out into the ocean water, seeing my husband’s face light up when a 747 flew what felt like inches over our heads in St. Maarten, listening in the front row to one of the greatest blues musicians of all time without even knowing it, catching up with an old friend on Facebook, missing a flight out of Miami and cruising South Beach instead, just to name a few.  It is the little unexpected incidents that enhance our world and make our lives so much more enjoyable. I of course have had a few of the biggest tests and challenges of my life too but no need to go into those, this is a positivity blog!  But I will tell you that overthinking and the need to control those challenging situations only seemed to make them worse.

Back to all those uncertainties in my noodle, maybe it’s okay to not know what comes next and know that it’s okay to feel like you can’t take much more.  For god sakes we are human and need to lighten up (I’m reminding myself this more than anyone who is reading it).  Life doesn’t go as planned and that’s okay, that’s what makes it so special.  Sometimes everything is going your way and sometimes you want to crawl in a hole and die, that is what life is all about.  When you are tested and you will be and you aren’t sure how much more you can take give up control and let things happen instead of trying to make them twist into the direction you think they have to go.  Doesn’t matter what you are faced with, it’s all in the way you handle the challenges that matters.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade but put some vodka in there too, that is sure to make you much happier, it works trust me! 

Life works in mysterious ways who knows why we end up where we do?  Someone once told me, it will all work out in the end.  So why not sit back give the keys to someone else and only grab the steering wheel for those important times.   When you let go of some control, life gets so much better.  Moving forward, I’m going to stop worrying about making the wrong decisions, it’s better to have tried and learned from bad decisions than to be frozen in place, like the northeast in the wintertime, making no decisions at all.  Remember all of our choices have brought us to this place in our lives, right here right now where we are supposed to be.  I’m going to let go of the control and see what happens, maybe I’ll enjoy life a little more if I loosen my grip and start to enjoy what’s in front of me.  Leave some room for serendipity in your life and for god sake, do what makes you happy and if you never figure out the answers to the questions in your head, maybe they weren’t that important in the first place.

“The time is now. The person is you.” - Nido R. Qubein

Where does the time go?  I feel like I was just blogging about the end of 2013 and now another year has passed.  Ferris Bueller was spot-on, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  The older I get the speedier is goes, I swear, so cliché.  At any rate, a New Year is upon us and with that I’m feeling a sense of NEW, call it whatever you wish; a fresh start, square one, a new beginning or clean slate, the sphere we are on-board has completed a revolution around the sun again and the social order tells us that we have a new jumping off point.  Even though we all know that January first is really no different than December thirty first, something in our brains and our way of life tells us that after all the holiday mayhem, accomplishments, accolades, adventures, sadness and loss; the up and downhill battles from the past year are all behind us.  We wipe off the dry erase board and get a completely new white slate.  With that, I say take some time to mull over your 2014 and consider what you did right and wrong, so that with your 2015 start from scratch, you can build on your over and done with experiences and make 2015 worthier than you can imagine!

When I flipped over my daily quote calendar this morning, I read the last quote of 2014 and Nido R. Qubein was quoted saying, “The time is now.  The person is you.”  Short and sweet, simple is always best and on the cusp of the New Year, no words are truer.   We are at square one, how will you fill your 2015, and what do you want for yourself?  I know that I’ve said it before and truth be told, I mean it, resolutions are for the birds.   No one sticks to them and when we fail at them, which inevitably happens, we dishearten ourselves, making it unattainable to live up to our idealistic hopes.  That is not the foundation I wish for my new year, I don’t know about you?  So there will be NO resolutions here from me but there will be GOALS.   I am establishing some goals for myself, goals that might take all of 2015 and beyond to complete but targets that I will set into motion, in this coming year.  Stand with me and resolve to throw out the resolutions, instead make plans to make yourself the person you want to develop into, not the person you want to be the first few weeks of the New Year.  Let’s face it we all need to get our butts up off the couch, exercise and live a much less gluttonous lifestyle.  You can still do that, just take time to look a little deeper this New Year and figure out a longer term plan for a happier, healthier you.

If I was to reflect on the former year and take Ferris’s advice to look around, I would say 2014 was a typical year; but one thing that I can say I’m proud of and stands out from my 2014, are all the family adventures we were so fortune to have undergone. Family escapades and travel are always near and dear to my heart.  It’s so enjoyable to spend quality time with my husband and daughter.  With all the demands of normal life, school activities, work and the amount of electronic devices we have in the house, it’s not always simple to stay connected on a daily basis and I find that a nice getaway brings us back to where we need to be.  In my mind, getting out of our normal daily grind is essential for my family’s survival and in 2014 we did it up pretty good. 

We embarked on yet another cruise in the Caribbean, the southern Caribbean this time, and had the good fortune to visit stunning countries like Aruba, where we off-roaded through a national park, explored bat caves and natural pools.  The island of Curacao was breathtaking.  We explored the local charms and way of life while we ate watermelon in the streets fresh from an authentic open air market, alongside the locals who were making a living panhandling with the local flare of Curacao’s music.  The Dominican Republic was where my daughter was able to see that “clothing optional” at the beach is NORMAL in other parts of the world.  Many may disagree with this parenting style but it’s a good thing I don’t really care what you think.  I feel if you don’t make a big deal about it, it’s not a big deal.  As a mother I love to show my daughter that there are so many different ways to live and the way we live is NOT always right or the only way.  It’s a great life lesson, as far as I’m concerned.  In Tucks and Caicos, we took in some snorkeling, had a remarkable catamaran adventure along the exquisite coastline and just soaked up Mother Nature’s rays.  

We road tripped the whole way to Miami from New York in our trusty mini-van, with grandparents in tow and we lived to tell about it.  An adventure we will never be able to duplicate.  We left sunny NY to find the south buried in snow and ice.  Never before have I traveled south to frostier wintery meteorological conditions and southern states that were completely shut down, it was a first!  While in Florida we took time out to learn all about American Space exploration at the Kennedy Space Center, and learned everything soup to nuts, and it did not disappoint.  Last month my husband and I were able to sneak off to Jamaica for some much needed R&R, giving us a moment to remember we are married adults and not just parents.  I would recommend this to everyone; it does WONDERS for your mental health!  We tried our luck camping, a few times in the summer, with friends, in the picturesque Adirondack Mountains, had a nice family of bears over for a campfire and enjoyed tent camping (ok, enjoyed might be a stretch and that nice family of bears made me pee my pants but I’m not holding a grudge).  

In 2014, we ventured away from our rural roots and explored two major northeast cities, Washington DC and New York City; I love to discover all that cities have to offer.  Washington DC is such a gem, one of my favorite cities; and we saw it all; monuments, documents, memorials, parks, cemeteries, bridges, statues, tributes, museums, public transportation and all the national treasures you can imagine.  I’m pretty sure I learned more in the few days there than I did in all of my history classes pooled together. 

New York City at Christmas time is truly one of those things everyone should do at least once.   The magic of Christmas is alive in NYC; we took in as many sights of the season as we could, even stopping into Macy’s and riding the wooden escalators for a visit with SANTA, which was a genuine highpoint of the trip (seeing the magic of Christmas still alive in my daughter’s eyes was priceless and I hope to never forget that moment).   I feel proud to say that we were able to give our 9 year old the ability to encounter the urban culture of the world that ONLY a place like New York can offer.  I have to laugh because when you ask my daughter what her favorite part of NYC was she isn’t going to say going to the top of the Empire State building which we did and enjoyed, but instead she will say, seeing the dancing scantily clad dressed cross-dressing man performing a risqué show, on the subway platform.  Like I said “CULTURE,” and I’m not sure it makes me a good mom or not but in a strange way I’m happy to have been able to share that experience with her.  I always say to her, it takes all kinds to make up our world and it’s nice for her to see firsthand the truth in that statement and that there is a place in this world for everyone.  It’s all these nuggets that I love to share with my family because they are the ones that make the impressions in our minds that last a lifetime.  I hope when my family looks back on our 2014 adventures, we always reminded of how lucky we were to share them together.  My goal for the future is that we are able to continue our journeys, share new experiences and take Ferris’s advice to remember to look around.  Remember we are only given a short time with our kids before they grow up, I am pleased to say that my husband and I are showing our daughter as much of the world as we can, hopefully molding her mind to see that it’s a big world out there.  My hope is that she will grow into a remarkable adult someday that appreciates all life has to offer, while accepting differences throughout the world.  Ok, maybe that was a little too deep but it’s a goal!

A game charger this year for me was when I started to take back my health again, trying to remember what it feels like to feel good.  I dropped 20lbs the old fashioned way and have never felt better.  I accomplished the feeling even if it was short lived.  I know in my heart that I will get there again and it is going to be my mission in 2015 to continue what I once started.   As you may or may not know, my health took a turn for the worse in the last few months (I have IBD – Ulcerative Colitis for 8 years now) and I will not sugar coat things, it has been awful, dare say, one of the largest tests of my life. Without going into details, I will say it has knocked me down, kicked me around and tried to destroy me, but I WILL NOT LET IT WIN!  Even in the darkest times, and it feels like there have been many recently, I have learned that I am SO MUCH STRONGER than I ever thought I could be.  The power of positive energy, no matter how hard it is to find, will put you in the right direction every time.  I’m still struggling to get myself out of this tailspin, but I am clawing my way out with medicines and will-power every day. 

I have been on a slew of medications recently, all with so many side effects, I am no longer sure if my symptoms are from my disease or the medications.  I have done much sole searching and reflecting recently that I know that I’m ready for a change.  The most important goal for me in 2015 is to be much less dependent on medication, with the hope of completely getting rid of them from my medicine cabinet.  I am aware that this will take a huge commitment on my part, doing things I would have never imagined.  I guess that is why we should NEVER say NEVER!  You never know what life is going to throw at you, stay open to all the options life has.  The last few months have taught me that I no longer want to be on this Merry-Go-Round of maintaining my disease with medicine.  My ride is over and I want off!  Medicine is helpful and necessary for many, so please don’t get me wrong, it’s just not for me right now.  Our society is so consumed with instant gratification that we want a pill to fix things and fix things now, when in reality that is just not how it works.  I am ready to get out of the mindset that all doctors have the answers and drugs are the only way.  I am looking forward to NOT blindly following like a zombie what society says you have to do.  So here’s to my health and to no medicine in 2015, wish me luck!

A silver lining from all of unhealthy madness I have endured has been the fact that I have reached out to many new support groups of people online that are facing similar and even more serious IBD problems than myself.  While doing this, as to find support for myself, I have found that my voice is important and I am very much enjoying helping others through their struggles, it has been very rewarding.  Giving is always better than receiving, it’s true.   A further goal moving forward in the New Year for me will be take a much larger role in being an advocate for Crohn’s Colitis awareness and finding a cure for this horrible autoimmune disease, maybe this is the year we beat this?  Let’s hope.

Each January first we are all presented with a new tabula rasa (blank slate) to make things right.  I’m sure this New Year will bring hardships alongside the wonders because life is filled with Ying and Yang.  To have encouraging experiences we all must endure some undesirable ones to balance out life.  Let’s hope the positive outweigh the negative in 2015 and we come out of all of our experiences for the better. My aim for 2015 is incredibly basic, just like the citation I read this morning, right here and right now, I’m going to just simply, keep on keeping on. Keep plugging away at my recent and continued ambitions.  It may take a year or it might take a day but what is meant to be will always find a way.  I aspire to make sure 2015 is another interval of growth, as I hope I do with each given year.  We flourish so as to discover our purpose, on this rock that voyages around the sun.  You get 365 new days; look at them as 365 new chances to get to where you are intended to be. In this coming year, I hope to never get stagnate, continually shifting my thoughts and the way I look at my existence, so that I can continue to evolve and develop into the best me I can be.  This New Year means nothing if you stay stuck in your comfort zone, push yourself to do things you would never imagine and continue to figure out what your purpose is, because you are here for a reason, figure out what that is.   So the time is NOW, you are in the driver’s seat, the flag has been waved, what are you going to do in 2015?  Ready, set, GO!